The idea for writing a Sex Menu came about when I sat down with my partner and tried to brainstorm how to communicate what I particularly wanted from sex at a time when it felt somewhat unclear to me.
As a sex worker, I’m used to helping clients open up about what they wanted in bed, and to finding ways to navigate awkwardness about communication, shame about desire, previous barriers to sex education, struggles with sexual identity and plain old discomfort discussing the nitty gritty.
These thing are well within my comfort zone as a sex worker when i’m at work – but a couple of years ago I had noticed that in my personal life it wasn’t so simple, and that I too needed a bit of supportive infrastructure around my first sexual experiences in new relationships. Kind of like bike stabilisers, but for sex 🙂
As a kinky feminist survivor, sex is complex for me, and I needed to find a non-intense way of relaying certain info about my limits and desires to people, so that I could feel at ease and relaxed when being vulnerable and open with someone for the first time. More than anything, I was looking for a way to cultivate a sense of sexual integrity, and to adopt radically selfish approach to fucking – something I had found difficult my whole life.
When I came up with a solution (writing down everything I wanted from first time sexual experiences like a menu) I got my partner to do one – and then we figured we’d get other people we were sleeping with to do them. Before long, a number of people in our non-monogamous, queer, feminist, sex worker, and kink-oriented networks had reported that they found the idea really useful, so we thought we’d make this site to collate resources and examples, to get the ball rolling for as many people as possible.
We hope you find it helpful! You can get started with a template here. You can reach us on firstname.lastname@example.org if you have thoughts.
T & D